So...in real life I trained as an interior designer (amongst many other things) and it was one of the subjects that I taught at college. As far as teaching went, it was domestic interiors, but in my own training I covered things such as commercial interiors and architecture. This combined with my love of shopping(!) means that when I am browsing around stores in-world, I don't just look at what is for sale. In fact, unless I want something specific, I am more likely to check out the build and store layout first. Yes, I know, I am weird.
I guess I work on first impressions. If I land in an interesting store, it makes me want to spend time looking around. If I land in some place hideous, I want to leave as quickly as I can. I am sure I can't be the only person like this, so the thing I sometimes wonder is do store owners consider the visual impact and aesthetics of their actual store when setting it up or do they just dump their creations in to it?
I have had stores in the past and even if it was just a stall giving away freebies to newbies, I tried to make it look appealing. Of course, if you are renting a store or space in a mall, you can't always have full creative control over the environment, but you can overlay walls and floors with your own textured prims if you have enough of a prim allowance. The thing that really gets me is when a creator goes to the effort of building their own store. It shows off more of their creativity and allows them to have control over display of their own content. Sadly this can backfire. If a content creator has built their own store, I am dubious of buying any of their work if:
-the colours clash
-the textures are flickering due to prim overlap
-there are untextured edges - so you get a flash of plywood as your camera moves around
-there are gaps in the walls
It does not fill me with hope that their actual items for sale will be put together any better.
As a fan of various hunts, I have been in many stores and some of them are, in my opinion, vile. A checkerboard floor can look great - but it depends on getting the scale of the checks right for the size of the store. Also the impact of fuchsia pink or cyan and black tiles can be visually unappealing. A store in a single colour can look elegant...if the colour is right. A totally black store or a dark red one just shows a lack of imagination or design flair. There is one store that is often part of hunts and I actively avoid it - every single element within the build has had the Shininess set to High. The whole store has a reflective glow that gives me a very real migraine in less than five minutes. Okay you want to theme your store as having a metallic feel....but every part?
Much the same as in real life, a store can soon become tired and dated. Something that looks great when set up looks old six months later. You don't have to change everything about a store to refresh it, use any accents you have wisely and you can keep the store looking as good as new.
Of course there are other elements to a store that can have an impact - and many of them are negative. Not everyone has a top of the range gaming PC with a graphics card so advanced that it can almost render the 2D world as a 3D one. No matter what anyone says to me about LOD, some sculpts take ages to rez for me. I really hate The Wonder Chair...a Lucky Chair variation that is sculpted and looks like a twisted Z to me far too long than I care to be around it. I have also seen entire store fronts that are sculpted. If it takes me five minutes to find the door, the chances are that I won't be going in because I am already two teleports away.
I like an interesting store layout, but I don't want to spend hours in a maze falling down levels because the floor is incomplete or the invisible prims that are part of the sculpted stairs do not go all the way to the edge of the sculpt. Nor do I want to look at a store that is the size of a warehouse but has no more a dozen items arranged feebly around the walls of the store and nothing else in it. Either get a smaller store or put out more content. It is easy to dress a store to make it look more interesting.
There are also those automated ways that shoppers are greeted - being hit by particles in the form of flowers, etc, little fairies that come to greet you and then make noises as they follow you around the store, 1001 'cute' animals tripping you as you try to shop and 20,000 sculpted animated noobs raoming around for no reason...it's like being in some second rate zombie movie.
And my final annoyance (at least for this posting) as far as store owners goes relates to the gender of shoppers. There are those stores that cater to men and women...but have freebies, Midnight Mania, Letter of the Week, Mini Mania for only one gender. And here is a hint for store owners - two outfits does not constitute a menswear department!
Last point (i.e. rant almost over), something that store owners have no control over...the shoppers! If your group tag or title says things like 'Spirit Fucker', you maybe should not be on a PG sim and if you cannot communicate with your friends without the constant need of gestures, it is time you logged off and read a book...preferably a dictionary.
Tuesday 14 December 2010
Tuesday 7 September 2010
Rant!
So...I make no secret of the fact I have alts. I make no secret that I love to role play in SL Gor. Today I am making no secret of something else - people in SL Gor are pissing me off with their sheer fuckwittedness.
There are general comments people make in SL; "no drama"..."keep SL and RL separate"..."remember there are real people behind every avatar"...
Well what a load of old hooey. A load of old hooey that gets magnified a thousand times when people start role playing.
No drama
Some people absolutely live for the drama. They manipulate storylines, they manipulate others. They delight in causing as much mayhem and harm as they possibly can.
Keep SL and RL separate
A lovely idea but only truly practical if you are a sociopath. You can keep them separate by not revealing your real name, where you live, what work you do, what gender you really are... BUT if you are a functioning human being you have emotions and feelings. You can't keep these separate (see disclaimer for sociopaths). You have a good day, it reflects in your character. You have a bad day, that shows too. No matter how good an actor you are, part of the real you will always leak in to whatever role you are playing.
Remember there are real people behind every avatar
Yes there are and so many people seem to forget this despite shouting it out when someone upsets them. Actions and words have consequences. Doesn't matter whether you are dancing in a club or playing a role. If you keep your actions and words "in character", you can minimise actual hurt to other people but you can't always avoid it. Saying or doing something to someone who has had a day from hell can still upset them even if it is part of the role play. You both need to be grown up enough to talk it through calmly and move past it. It steps across boundaries when someone is deliberately malicious for the sake of causing upset.
I have a friend who has been through a lot lately - like who hasn't, right? But he is actually suffering from bereavement due to the death of a parent. The way he has been treated supposedly in-character within the world of SL Gor makes my blood boil - and the out of character comments have compounded it. I am tempted to name and shame those involved as they have done nothing but bitch, whine and create out of character drama in everything they have done...and then they treat a human being with an appalling disregard when they were fully aware of his personal circumstances.
Moment of total honesty - please don't read this if you are of a nervous disposition. When I role play in SL Gor as either a Free or a slave I have a rule - no rape scenarios. I have a good reason for this - I know from personal experience that there is no fun to be had in any kind of sexual assault. I voiced this opinion to someone recently...someone who is involved with the crowd who have caused so much upset to my friend. The response I was given was that I should not be role playing in Gor then...since I am "handicapped". That was his actual word - "handicapped". If I could have gotten my hands on him in real life, I would have ripped his throat out.
One last point...for those of you who have in your profile "I share conversations and by speaking to me you agree to this. This note is in accordance with the TOS", you are talking out of your arse. The Community Standards you agree to as part of the Terms of Service stand as a legally binding contract between you and Linden Labs. You cannot wave a magic wand and make that part of the agreement disappear...get a fucking clue.
And now on a brighter note, a little music...hope you all enjoy but I would like to dedicate it to several Gorean Masters I have had the displeasure of meeting in SL...
Gorean Masters in SL
There are general comments people make in SL; "no drama"..."keep SL and RL separate"..."remember there are real people behind every avatar"...
Well what a load of old hooey. A load of old hooey that gets magnified a thousand times when people start role playing.
No drama
Some people absolutely live for the drama. They manipulate storylines, they manipulate others. They delight in causing as much mayhem and harm as they possibly can.
Keep SL and RL separate
A lovely idea but only truly practical if you are a sociopath. You can keep them separate by not revealing your real name, where you live, what work you do, what gender you really are... BUT if you are a functioning human being you have emotions and feelings. You can't keep these separate (see disclaimer for sociopaths). You have a good day, it reflects in your character. You have a bad day, that shows too. No matter how good an actor you are, part of the real you will always leak in to whatever role you are playing.
Remember there are real people behind every avatar
Yes there are and so many people seem to forget this despite shouting it out when someone upsets them. Actions and words have consequences. Doesn't matter whether you are dancing in a club or playing a role. If you keep your actions and words "in character", you can minimise actual hurt to other people but you can't always avoid it. Saying or doing something to someone who has had a day from hell can still upset them even if it is part of the role play. You both need to be grown up enough to talk it through calmly and move past it. It steps across boundaries when someone is deliberately malicious for the sake of causing upset.
I have a friend who has been through a lot lately - like who hasn't, right? But he is actually suffering from bereavement due to the death of a parent. The way he has been treated supposedly in-character within the world of SL Gor makes my blood boil - and the out of character comments have compounded it. I am tempted to name and shame those involved as they have done nothing but bitch, whine and create out of character drama in everything they have done...and then they treat a human being with an appalling disregard when they were fully aware of his personal circumstances.
Moment of total honesty - please don't read this if you are of a nervous disposition. When I role play in SL Gor as either a Free or a slave I have a rule - no rape scenarios. I have a good reason for this - I know from personal experience that there is no fun to be had in any kind of sexual assault. I voiced this opinion to someone recently...someone who is involved with the crowd who have caused so much upset to my friend. The response I was given was that I should not be role playing in Gor then...since I am "handicapped". That was his actual word - "handicapped". If I could have gotten my hands on him in real life, I would have ripped his throat out.
One last point...for those of you who have in your profile "I share conversations and by speaking to me you agree to this. This note is in accordance with the TOS", you are talking out of your arse. The Community Standards you agree to as part of the Terms of Service stand as a legally binding contract between you and Linden Labs. You cannot wave a magic wand and make that part of the agreement disappear...get a fucking clue.
And now on a brighter note, a little music...hope you all enjoy but I would like to dedicate it to several Gorean Masters I have had the displeasure of meeting in SL...
Gorean Masters in SL
Monday 6 September 2010
Breaking the silence
So...I have been extremely quiet for some time now. Still reading the blogs I follow but not commenting or writing my own.
My Second Life took an unexpected turn a few weeks ago. I was just milling about aimlessly as I have a tendency to do no matter which avatar I am in and one of those messages popped up about one of my contacts being online. It was a message I had not seen in some time...my SL husband Revan. No advance warning...he was just there. It turned out to be one of those moments when you are not really sure that it is happening. I mean, he has been missing for so long, was it really him? In fact the first thing I said to him was "Is that you?" He has been in and out of SL a lot. Due to his real life situation, he is not in-world as much as he used to be, but it is great that he is there again. It would of course be nice if he tidied up after himself, but such is the nature of men...
My real life has been rather strained and strange. I have gone through a lot emotionally for over a year now and taken so many pills that some days I don't even feel like me any more. Some days I only wake up so I can have a nap... I started counselling a few weeks ago. I have done it when there have been difficult times in my life in the past, but this is so different to any of the other experiences. I have actually found a therapist who doesn't just make me talk about things; she makes me question why I act and think the way I do. There is no coercion, it just flows naturally from the conversation. I have been on a rollercoaster journey of unpicking my past and am now at the stage where there is a vital question to be answered - who am I? I have come to realise that I spent so many years trying to be the person that people wanted me to be, that I no longer know who the real me is. Maybe in time I will find out. Fingers crossed.
My Second Life took an unexpected turn a few weeks ago. I was just milling about aimlessly as I have a tendency to do no matter which avatar I am in and one of those messages popped up about one of my contacts being online. It was a message I had not seen in some time...my SL husband Revan. No advance warning...he was just there. It turned out to be one of those moments when you are not really sure that it is happening. I mean, he has been missing for so long, was it really him? In fact the first thing I said to him was "Is that you?" He has been in and out of SL a lot. Due to his real life situation, he is not in-world as much as he used to be, but it is great that he is there again. It would of course be nice if he tidied up after himself, but such is the nature of men...
My real life has been rather strained and strange. I have gone through a lot emotionally for over a year now and taken so many pills that some days I don't even feel like me any more. Some days I only wake up so I can have a nap... I started counselling a few weeks ago. I have done it when there have been difficult times in my life in the past, but this is so different to any of the other experiences. I have actually found a therapist who doesn't just make me talk about things; she makes me question why I act and think the way I do. There is no coercion, it just flows naturally from the conversation. I have been on a rollercoaster journey of unpicking my past and am now at the stage where there is a vital question to be answered - who am I? I have come to realise that I spent so many years trying to be the person that people wanted me to be, that I no longer know who the real me is. Maybe in time I will find out. Fingers crossed.
Monday 26 July 2010
Not Myself...
So...I imagine a lot of people will dream about SL or even dream in SL from time to time. I have had some strange SL-inspired dreams over the past few years.
Shortly after renting my first skybox, I had a dream where I was in my new home laying on the bed and a thought occurred to me, "What is keeping this up in the air?" Of course, the skybox then began a rapid descent to the ground below!
I also had a dream, which played on one of the fears behind SL - the person behind the avatar dying. This is something that really bothers me (and I am sure a lot of other people), that someone who is part of your virtual life just disappears and you don't ever know what happened to them. In the case of my dream, I did find out what had happened - I got a message to say that my SL husband, Revan, had died. I made the journey to the US and went to his funeral; only to find when I got there that it was the avatar in the coffin and the person behind Revan was sitting in the front row of the church...
During my afternoon nap (a sign of age) on Saturday, I dreamed that I was in-world and talking to one of my alts. Just to give something of a twist to the scenario of alts, the alt made the shock announcement that they were actually someone else! Perhaps I should mention this to my therapist in case I am going nuts. On wait...I have a therapist; me being nuts is already a well established fact!
Shortly after renting my first skybox, I had a dream where I was in my new home laying on the bed and a thought occurred to me, "What is keeping this up in the air?" Of course, the skybox then began a rapid descent to the ground below!
I also had a dream, which played on one of the fears behind SL - the person behind the avatar dying. This is something that really bothers me (and I am sure a lot of other people), that someone who is part of your virtual life just disappears and you don't ever know what happened to them. In the case of my dream, I did find out what had happened - I got a message to say that my SL husband, Revan, had died. I made the journey to the US and went to his funeral; only to find when I got there that it was the avatar in the coffin and the person behind Revan was sitting in the front row of the church...
During my afternoon nap (a sign of age) on Saturday, I dreamed that I was in-world and talking to one of my alts. Just to give something of a twist to the scenario of alts, the alt made the shock announcement that they were actually someone else! Perhaps I should mention this to my therapist in case I am going nuts. On wait...I have a therapist; me being nuts is already a well established fact!
Wednesday 21 July 2010
Summer Of Love Fair
So...I finally made it to the Summer of Love Fair. I have been trying to get in to it since it opened. The event features previously unreleased works by a host of SL designers and is designed to raise awareness of mental health issues. Obviously I have an interest in such issues - but I was also desperate to get the SF Designs Tuscan suit.
I managed to get in to the fair when only 33 people were there - which is less than half the amount the last time I tried - obviously it is quite laggy. Naturally there were a few annoyances. Given the high number of people, it might be best to edit your appearance somewhere else. There were several avatars wandering around with scripted attachments such as titlers, poofers(!) and nuclear glow face lights that must be able to be seen from five sims away. Yes, a soft face light can enhance your appearance, but something so bright that illuminates every pixel in your skin is not good; it is like watching Desperate Housewives in High Definition. There were a couple of displays that did not rez for me - one of them appeared to have bling/particle effects.
The biggest grievance I had was the absence of music. I hate silence, it makes me edgy. It is rare for me to stay anywhere with no media stream; if you don't want music, you can turn it off but it is harder to play something that is not there. My PC is old and loading Winamp at the same time as SL can be fatal.
There are a plethora of free gifts at the fair and they all come with a note card. The note cards concern a range of mental health issues including eating disorders, sexual abuse, self harm, bullying, bereavement, suicide, ADHD, OCD, gender issues, panic attacks and a whole load more. The majority of gifts are aimed towards the female end of the market - bikinis, dresses, heels and jewellery. There are, however, a few pieces that are unisex or specifically for men. I bought a few items from a couple of the exhibitors, of course. Well, I had nothing to wear...
One of the exhibitors had a poster for Hopeline, with a percentage of proceeds from sales going to them.
There was a female avatar wandering around who caught my attention. I am not sure if the person was a male to female transexual trying for realism but to my mind enormous hands and feet make you look like you are wearing a demo shape.
I was surprised that there was nothing on addiction, but that may be just as well as the Alexohol gift is boxed in a giant cocktail glass. Thankfully the unisex baseball shirt and the two bikinis are the usual high standard of Alexohol. Admittedly I won't be wearing the bikinis - at least not without at least waxing... Speaking of swimwear, I bought the 'outfit' below from ISPACHI.
Finally, a big thank you to Keira Seerose and the team at CHIC for organising an event that showcases the work of SL designers (clothing, poses, jewelery, furntiure) while helping to raise awareness of mental health issues.
Monday 19 July 2010
Piccy
So...there is a photo contest taking place at TRACS. I do not usually bother with contests and have no expectations towards this; it's not the winning, it's the taking part.
I love the atmosphere at TRACS Saturday party and whether it is Tim DJing or guest DJ JennaRose, I always enjoy the music. Additionally, I can cam the stores from the dancefloor so it is a case of shop while you bop! The summer parties have been held at various venues on the island rather than being confined to the club - this gives a great chance to see what is on offer.
I wanted to show the boys some support in their venture, so I thought "What the hell...put a pic up". And here is the pic I chose...
I love the atmosphere at TRACS Saturday party and whether it is Tim DJing or guest DJ JennaRose, I always enjoy the music. Additionally, I can cam the stores from the dancefloor so it is a case of shop while you bop! The summer parties have been held at various venues on the island rather than being confined to the club - this gives a great chance to see what is on offer.
I wanted to show the boys some support in their venture, so I thought "What the hell...put a pic up". And here is the pic I chose...
Sunday 18 July 2010
All Alone In The Night
So...my Second Life, or even my Second Lives. I am essentially me when I am in SL. I can't change who I am but I try to reflect different aspects of myself through different avatars, especially when I am role playing in Gor.
My SL husband left SL last Summer due to technical issues. He did come back for a short time in December, but I am not really expecting him to come back again any time soon. So where does that leave me? The simple answer is...alone. Despite my numerous alternate persons, I am by myself. Even in the world of SL Gor, my Free man hardly sees his slave and my slave practically never sees his Master.
None of my other avatars have had a partner; there have been a few dalliances...Revan and I agreed that the alt accounts had a certain amount of freedom so long as our main accounts did not do anything. Of course, I would worry about people's feelings so I decided not to become involved with anyone while I had Revan. It seems unfair to everyone to have multiple personalities with multiple partners - not everyone feels the same, of course.
Sadly for me, the loneliness is becoming hard to take. As I said at the start, I am essentially me in SL...and a loneliness in every life takes a toll on you...bit by bit...day by day...
Okay...enough self-pitying crap for one post, but at least it gives me an excuse for a cracking song!
The Dame
My SL husband left SL last Summer due to technical issues. He did come back for a short time in December, but I am not really expecting him to come back again any time soon. So where does that leave me? The simple answer is...alone. Despite my numerous alternate persons, I am by myself. Even in the world of SL Gor, my Free man hardly sees his slave and my slave practically never sees his Master.
None of my other avatars have had a partner; there have been a few dalliances...Revan and I agreed that the alt accounts had a certain amount of freedom so long as our main accounts did not do anything. Of course, I would worry about people's feelings so I decided not to become involved with anyone while I had Revan. It seems unfair to everyone to have multiple personalities with multiple partners - not everyone feels the same, of course.
Sadly for me, the loneliness is becoming hard to take. As I said at the start, I am essentially me in SL...and a loneliness in every life takes a toll on you...bit by bit...day by day...
Okay...enough self-pitying crap for one post, but at least it gives me an excuse for a cracking song!
The Dame
Saturday 10 July 2010
Tolerance
So...tolerance is something we are encouraged to practice in all aspects of our lives. I guess it depends on definitions and such, and I really do not want to get in to semantics, but tolerance does not work for me. There is a connotation in the word tolerance that bugs me...it is kind of "well I do not agree with you but I will tolerate you".
There is another word that I prefer and one that I try to practice in my life - acceptance. Acceptance to me means "well I don't agree with you but I accept that is your point of view".
None of us have had the same life experiences. It is those life experiences that make us who we are and shape what we do, what we say, what we think and what we believe. When I am talking with people and they tell me things, I try to relate to them in terms of my own experiences, but I can never fully appreciate their perspective because I am not them. So I accept what they tell me as being true and valid for them - because it is, no matter how alien it may seem to me. Even if I do not agree with them, I will continue to discuss things to help me try to understand them and hopefully show an interest in that person despite our differences.
I really hate the attitude of "you are wrong". There is someone I have to interact with in SL as part of a role play I am involved in. His behaviour suggests his firm belief that he is right and therefore any difference of opinion is wrong, but he will tolerate your presence as one would tolerate any other annoyance - but he has to speak out about it. He seems incapable of accepting that people have their own points of view and their own interests. It makes him very hard to deal with, but you know what? I accept that is him.
There is another word that I prefer and one that I try to practice in my life - acceptance. Acceptance to me means "well I don't agree with you but I accept that is your point of view".
None of us have had the same life experiences. It is those life experiences that make us who we are and shape what we do, what we say, what we think and what we believe. When I am talking with people and they tell me things, I try to relate to them in terms of my own experiences, but I can never fully appreciate their perspective because I am not them. So I accept what they tell me as being true and valid for them - because it is, no matter how alien it may seem to me. Even if I do not agree with them, I will continue to discuss things to help me try to understand them and hopefully show an interest in that person despite our differences.
I really hate the attitude of "you are wrong". There is someone I have to interact with in SL as part of a role play I am involved in. His behaviour suggests his firm belief that he is right and therefore any difference of opinion is wrong, but he will tolerate your presence as one would tolerate any other annoyance - but he has to speak out about it. He seems incapable of accepting that people have their own points of view and their own interests. It makes him very hard to deal with, but you know what? I accept that is him.
Thursday 24 June 2010
STFU
So...no matter which avatar I am using, I seem to end up dancing in a club at some point as I love music. Something I find really annoying is the use of Voice by anyone other than the DJ. It just seems so rude to talk over the set that someone has put time and effort in to creating. It wouldn't be so bad if the conversation revolved around more than what people had for dinner, how drunk they were, what they watched on the TV or who they slept with the night before. It is especially irritating when you can hear the TV playing in the background...or even worse, the radio... Sometimes it seems as though people who talk forget that those of us who don't, may actually still be able to hear...there is nothing so unwelcoming as someone on voice bitching about other people there...especially when it is the club staff doing the bitching. I have even heard a DJ discussing the real life relationship between two other DJs...I guess Disclosure doesn't count when there is no record. Another note to DJs on Voice, if you sound bored by the music, imagine how the audience feels.
Of course there is another scourge of the SL club scene...gestures. Fine, they can be funny or slot nicely in to the conversation, but when they fill up half the screen or drown out the music, they annoy the crap out of me. My eyesight isn't so good, so I have text size set to maximum; it doesn't take much to blot out my screen. If you need to tell the person you are with that you love them every two minutes, you need to review the stability of your relationship. And if your loved one means so much to you, perhaps you can find something more inventive than a gesture on repeat.
On the subject of gestures, if you work in a club and can't actually engage in a conversation or do a decent emote, but can push an F key to play a different gesture every five minutes, don't expect a tip from me!
Of course there is another scourge of the SL club scene...gestures. Fine, they can be funny or slot nicely in to the conversation, but when they fill up half the screen or drown out the music, they annoy the crap out of me. My eyesight isn't so good, so I have text size set to maximum; it doesn't take much to blot out my screen. If you need to tell the person you are with that you love them every two minutes, you need to review the stability of your relationship. And if your loved one means so much to you, perhaps you can find something more inventive than a gesture on repeat.
On the subject of gestures, if you work in a club and can't actually engage in a conversation or do a decent emote, but can push an F key to play a different gesture every five minutes, don't expect a tip from me!
Wednesday 23 June 2010
Suicide is painless
So...there is a very famous song that was the theme to the movie and TV show M*A*S*H, "Suicide is painless". Of course, suicide is not painless...not for the person who does it, not for the person who survives it nor those around that person. Even an unsuccessful attempt affects more than the person who attempts it - like cracks slowly spreading out across a pane of glass. The effects are visible; almost audible, like a silent scream piercing the fabric of life.
Suicide throws up many questions..."how must they have felt?", "why didn't I see?", "why didn't they come to me for help?", "how could they do this to me?", etc. I have seen suicide from both sides of the mirror. My first experience of suicide was aged 11, when someone at my school took his own life. I am now 40 years old, but that moment when I heard of his death is crystal clear inside my head...I can even tell you which day of the week it was and the time of day.
I have suffered from emotional turmoil since I was at least 17 years old; I have 15 years of therapy (off and on) and two breakdowns under my belt. The closest I ever came to ending my life was a few days before Christmas in 1991. I climbed in to the bath and felt the chill of the cold blade of the knife against my wrist. Not the best Christmas present to give your family. The dark thoughts have persisted throughout my life. Driving a lonely road, I have considered pressing the accelerator and closing my eyes. When prescribed pills, I have considered taking them all at once - odd that you have thoughts of suicide so your doctor gives you the means to do it. The thoughts of cutting haunt my mind. I don't give in to those thoughts...though I do embrace them and let them play out in my mind sometimes.
So what is the thing that stops me? Hope. The hope that things will change. The hope that life will improve - and it does from time to time. The hope for a life unfulfilled to reach it's potential. I have so much left to give - love, passion, vitality, creativity, joy, friendship, companionship...the list goes on, and so do I. Not everyone is so lucky.
This may be a strange admission though - I would not give the darkness up; it is a part of who I am. Until you have experienced the level of despair that causes suicide and the relief of thinking "this is the last day I have with this pain", you cannot fully appreciate what the all-consuming darkness and despair are like.
There are resources in-world that deal with suicide. One of the places I sometimes go and sit quietly is The Survivors of Suicide Project. It is a humbling experience to see the candles that have been lit there and to read the messages for lost lovers, parents, children, friends. There is an art exhibit if you travel through the mirror. A sign by the mirror warns that the exhibits may be 'disturbing'. Good...suicide should be disturbing and uncomfortable and distressing. The works are emotive; they speak of isolation, loneliness, rejection, regret, pain, suffering. They are bold and bloody and fragile and introverted.
A final thought from me on this topic, at least for now anyway. It is hard to tell what is going on in someone's head, to spot the turmoil and anguish they are experiencing. Even harder to see that when all you have to go on is their avatar. Consider your thoughts and actions in-world, they may have a deeper effect than you realise.
Sia - Breathe Me
Suicide throws up many questions..."how must they have felt?", "why didn't I see?", "why didn't they come to me for help?", "how could they do this to me?", etc. I have seen suicide from both sides of the mirror. My first experience of suicide was aged 11, when someone at my school took his own life. I am now 40 years old, but that moment when I heard of his death is crystal clear inside my head...I can even tell you which day of the week it was and the time of day.
I have suffered from emotional turmoil since I was at least 17 years old; I have 15 years of therapy (off and on) and two breakdowns under my belt. The closest I ever came to ending my life was a few days before Christmas in 1991. I climbed in to the bath and felt the chill of the cold blade of the knife against my wrist. Not the best Christmas present to give your family. The dark thoughts have persisted throughout my life. Driving a lonely road, I have considered pressing the accelerator and closing my eyes. When prescribed pills, I have considered taking them all at once - odd that you have thoughts of suicide so your doctor gives you the means to do it. The thoughts of cutting haunt my mind. I don't give in to those thoughts...though I do embrace them and let them play out in my mind sometimes.
So what is the thing that stops me? Hope. The hope that things will change. The hope that life will improve - and it does from time to time. The hope for a life unfulfilled to reach it's potential. I have so much left to give - love, passion, vitality, creativity, joy, friendship, companionship...the list goes on, and so do I. Not everyone is so lucky.
This may be a strange admission though - I would not give the darkness up; it is a part of who I am. Until you have experienced the level of despair that causes suicide and the relief of thinking "this is the last day I have with this pain", you cannot fully appreciate what the all-consuming darkness and despair are like.
There are resources in-world that deal with suicide. One of the places I sometimes go and sit quietly is The Survivors of Suicide Project. It is a humbling experience to see the candles that have been lit there and to read the messages for lost lovers, parents, children, friends. There is an art exhibit if you travel through the mirror. A sign by the mirror warns that the exhibits may be 'disturbing'. Good...suicide should be disturbing and uncomfortable and distressing. The works are emotive; they speak of isolation, loneliness, rejection, regret, pain, suffering. They are bold and bloody and fragile and introverted.
A final thought from me on this topic, at least for now anyway. It is hard to tell what is going on in someone's head, to spot the turmoil and anguish they are experiencing. Even harder to see that when all you have to go on is their avatar. Consider your thoughts and actions in-world, they may have a deeper effect than you realise.
Sia - Breathe Me
Sunday 20 June 2010
Me...
So I thought I would enliven my blog with a pic...so here is me celebrating moving in to my new beach plot in Serena Estates. In case you haven't guessed, it was a very quiet celebration!
In real life, and I suppose in Second Life, I am very fond of trees and woodland areas. I seem to end up living on beach themed sims in SL. There is something special about having my own little 'island'. Although the neighbours are only a hundred metres away, I suppose it appeals to me because I have always been something of a loner.
Anyway, that's enough of my mental ramblings for one post.
First Contact
So...here's a strange fact about me. It is very rare for me to IM people on my Contact List. Sure, people will IM me, give me notecards, send TP requests, etc., but it is not very often that I will initiate contact (and even more unlikely that I would have sent you the friend request that got us connected).
It isn't because I am busy or expect people to beg audience with me; I am shy, introverted, lack self confidence and self worth. I always feel like I am intruding on people or think they will be too busy or having too much fun to want to hear from me. Oddly enough, I am exactly the same in real life...I never phone, I never text, I never email unless the person has contacted me first.
Certainly everyone in my real life knows that if you want me, I am always there and usually more than happy to help. I am the person who can be relied upon if you need a ride somewhere, if you need curtains making, if you need help decorating, if you need shopping done or kids picked up, etc. I hope my friends in SL know the same - I love to help if it is at all within my power.
I guess another aspect of this is my almost total inability to ask for help no matter how much I am struggling with something. If I come to you for anything, even advice, it means I am feeling pretty desperate about whatever the issue is.
The moral of this tale is...if you want me, find me...I will only be too happy to hear from you.
It isn't because I am busy or expect people to beg audience with me; I am shy, introverted, lack self confidence and self worth. I always feel like I am intruding on people or think they will be too busy or having too much fun to want to hear from me. Oddly enough, I am exactly the same in real life...I never phone, I never text, I never email unless the person has contacted me first.
Certainly everyone in my real life knows that if you want me, I am always there and usually more than happy to help. I am the person who can be relied upon if you need a ride somewhere, if you need curtains making, if you need help decorating, if you need shopping done or kids picked up, etc. I hope my friends in SL know the same - I love to help if it is at all within my power.
I guess another aspect of this is my almost total inability to ask for help no matter how much I am struggling with something. If I come to you for anything, even advice, it means I am feeling pretty desperate about whatever the issue is.
The moral of this tale is...if you want me, find me...I will only be too happy to hear from you.
Happy Father's Day?
So...today is Father's Day. In my late twenties I first felt the longing for children; now having reached the age of forty, I realise I am never going to be in a position where I will be a father. My home environment, relationship background and financial status are all against me. But such is life; we all have dreams, hopes and aspirations that will never be fulfilled.
SL has given me an extended family - a husband, parents-in-law (for a time anyway), brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, nephews, cousins, grandchildren, great grandchildren. These relationship are virtual, but that does not negate the impact or significance of them. They involve real feelings and real emotions. Sometimes things are trivial, sometimes things can affect us deeply.
Something that has always annoyed me about a virtual family is the issue of money - rather like a real family... You are quietly blundering about in your second life in blissful ignorance of everything and then it starts - the IMs and the TP requests. I soon came to realise that my family did not always have my best interests at heart when they IMd me to join them or TPd me to a party. They didn't do it because they thought I might enjoy it or because I might need the company. They did it because they were DJing, hosting or dancing. Of course, the ulterior motive in getting your 'parent' to a party is the same as getting anyone else there - tips - but the hope is that your father will be even more generous because of the relationship you have. A further moment of insanity is when they are taking part in a photo contest. You go along like a dutiful parent and horror of horrors...their photo is supremely second rate compared to some of the others, but you are duty bound to vote for your 'offspring'. "So tell me about this contest?" you say. "Well it is 20Ls per vote and you get three votes a day. It runs for a month and the winner gets 1000Ls", is the response from the hopeful 'child'. "Hmmm 1000Ls does sound appealing, however I am paying almost twice that in votes... How about I just pay you 1000Ls and you leave me alone for a month?"
In real life you cannot always exert control over people, even your own children; they find a way of getting in to stupid or dangerous situations. The same is true in Second Life, except you have even less control. You can't actually ground a child because it is their SL too and they will just TP away from you. So your SL child who is a kid avatar does something they shouldn't with someone who is not a child avatar (i.e. a pervert) or they introduce you to a potential spouse who in real life you would cross the street to avoid...though at least in SL you can Eject and Ban with a couple of clicks. What can you do? Everyone has the right to make their own choices since they are paying their internet bill each month. You just sit back and wait for the fallout.
Being a real person at the keyboard, you still get to feel sadness about 'family' things in SL You go through their troubles because they come to you as a friend and surrogate parent - health issues, drug and alcohol addiction, attempted suicide, vehicle accidents, spousal abuse, sexual assault, etc. If you are close enough to them, you can live their lives with them via the virtual world. Nothing prepares you for hearing someone on voice in fear of a husband returning home or the sound of a physical fight resulting from too much alcohol. On top of that, there is bereavement...when you get that message in-world to tell you that one of your family has passed away in real life. Still, knowing that has happened is easier than never knowing why someone never logs in again.
The negative times are balanced (I hope) by the positive. The connections you make with people can be as rich and profound as anything in real life. The pride in walking your virtual daughter down the aisle, the joy at a new 'child' coming to the family, the excitement hearing someone on voice showing you their latest home or 'opening' their rez day presnts, the laughter as you all goof around and try to out do each other with your stupidity and silly outfits - and ultimately do things to each other that would be considering griefing in any other situation!
Rather like real life relationships, the feelings and emotions should be cherished. Taking place in a virtual world makes them no less real, no less relevant. Each experience can enrich your life and help you develop as a person if you allow it to. Be it real life or Second Life, live it.
SL has given me an extended family - a husband, parents-in-law (for a time anyway), brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, nephews, cousins, grandchildren, great grandchildren. These relationship are virtual, but that does not negate the impact or significance of them. They involve real feelings and real emotions. Sometimes things are trivial, sometimes things can affect us deeply.
Something that has always annoyed me about a virtual family is the issue of money - rather like a real family... You are quietly blundering about in your second life in blissful ignorance of everything and then it starts - the IMs and the TP requests. I soon came to realise that my family did not always have my best interests at heart when they IMd me to join them or TPd me to a party. They didn't do it because they thought I might enjoy it or because I might need the company. They did it because they were DJing, hosting or dancing. Of course, the ulterior motive in getting your 'parent' to a party is the same as getting anyone else there - tips - but the hope is that your father will be even more generous because of the relationship you have. A further moment of insanity is when they are taking part in a photo contest. You go along like a dutiful parent and horror of horrors...their photo is supremely second rate compared to some of the others, but you are duty bound to vote for your 'offspring'. "So tell me about this contest?" you say. "Well it is 20Ls per vote and you get three votes a day. It runs for a month and the winner gets 1000Ls", is the response from the hopeful 'child'. "Hmmm 1000Ls does sound appealing, however I am paying almost twice that in votes... How about I just pay you 1000Ls and you leave me alone for a month?"
In real life you cannot always exert control over people, even your own children; they find a way of getting in to stupid or dangerous situations. The same is true in Second Life, except you have even less control. You can't actually ground a child because it is their SL too and they will just TP away from you. So your SL child who is a kid avatar does something they shouldn't with someone who is not a child avatar (i.e. a pervert) or they introduce you to a potential spouse who in real life you would cross the street to avoid...though at least in SL you can Eject and Ban with a couple of clicks. What can you do? Everyone has the right to make their own choices since they are paying their internet bill each month. You just sit back and wait for the fallout.
Being a real person at the keyboard, you still get to feel sadness about 'family' things in SL You go through their troubles because they come to you as a friend and surrogate parent - health issues, drug and alcohol addiction, attempted suicide, vehicle accidents, spousal abuse, sexual assault, etc. If you are close enough to them, you can live their lives with them via the virtual world. Nothing prepares you for hearing someone on voice in fear of a husband returning home or the sound of a physical fight resulting from too much alcohol. On top of that, there is bereavement...when you get that message in-world to tell you that one of your family has passed away in real life. Still, knowing that has happened is easier than never knowing why someone never logs in again.
The negative times are balanced (I hope) by the positive. The connections you make with people can be as rich and profound as anything in real life. The pride in walking your virtual daughter down the aisle, the joy at a new 'child' coming to the family, the excitement hearing someone on voice showing you their latest home or 'opening' their rez day presnts, the laughter as you all goof around and try to out do each other with your stupidity and silly outfits - and ultimately do things to each other that would be considering griefing in any other situation!
Rather like real life relationships, the feelings and emotions should be cherished. Taking place in a virtual world makes them no less real, no less relevant. Each experience can enrich your life and help you develop as a person if you allow it to. Be it real life or Second Life, live it.
Friday 18 June 2010
Alternate realities
In real life I have had several roles -son, manager, student, brother, lecturer, employee, nephew, uncle, counsellor, lover, dominant, submissive, cousin, partner, grandson... In Second Life the range of possibilities is even greater - even down to being able to change gender and species.
One of the easiest ways to experience a full range of possibilities is by using an alt account. Yes, I know people frown upon alts and there is always someone there to say "well I have only ever had this account" and "I hate alts". In my opinion it depends what you use them for. I have had several alts over my time in SL. I don't use them to trick to people; I don't use them to create drama; I don't use them for malicious purposes.
Some people know me as one person, others know me as someone else...there are quite a few people who know a couple of me, and they know it is me. One of the main things I use alts is for is to role play. I can be a man or a woman, a master or a slave. I have been all of those. Before anyone starts jumping up and down, I don't get in to serious relationships with people and I certainly don't do it in a female avatar.
I read something on a forum once where straight guys in Gor insisted on photos and voice chat before they took a woman 'to their furs' so they were sure they were getting a real woman. That's is all very well but photos can be fakes and voice changers, such as that built in to the new viewer, can make you seem totally different. To be honest, I could pass as a woman on voice without the need for such tricks. I go to Gor for role play not for pixelated porn. Sex is quite an integral part of the Gorean lifestyle and I know for a fact that some of the male avatars I have been with have women behind them. Does it honestly matter? If you think that a pixel poking is going to 'queer you up', you have deeper issues and should address your concerns about your own sexuality before continuing.
There is more to being an alt; I love the anonymity. I have a large SL family, I have friends both in and out of role play situations. Sometimes it is great to slip in to another avatar and just go exploring, visit a club I would not usually go to and have some time to myself with TP requests and IMs hitting me every few minutes.
So from my perspective, there is nothing wrong with being an alt...so long as you don't mess with people's emotions or use your altness to manipulate people or events.
One of the easiest ways to experience a full range of possibilities is by using an alt account. Yes, I know people frown upon alts and there is always someone there to say "well I have only ever had this account" and "I hate alts". In my opinion it depends what you use them for. I have had several alts over my time in SL. I don't use them to trick to people; I don't use them to create drama; I don't use them for malicious purposes.
Some people know me as one person, others know me as someone else...there are quite a few people who know a couple of me, and they know it is me. One of the main things I use alts is for is to role play. I can be a man or a woman, a master or a slave. I have been all of those. Before anyone starts jumping up and down, I don't get in to serious relationships with people and I certainly don't do it in a female avatar.
I read something on a forum once where straight guys in Gor insisted on photos and voice chat before they took a woman 'to their furs' so they were sure they were getting a real woman. That's is all very well but photos can be fakes and voice changers, such as that built in to the new viewer, can make you seem totally different. To be honest, I could pass as a woman on voice without the need for such tricks. I go to Gor for role play not for pixelated porn. Sex is quite an integral part of the Gorean lifestyle and I know for a fact that some of the male avatars I have been with have women behind them. Does it honestly matter? If you think that a pixel poking is going to 'queer you up', you have deeper issues and should address your concerns about your own sexuality before continuing.
There is more to being an alt; I love the anonymity. I have a large SL family, I have friends both in and out of role play situations. Sometimes it is great to slip in to another avatar and just go exploring, visit a club I would not usually go to and have some time to myself with TP requests and IMs hitting me every few minutes.
So from my perspective, there is nothing wrong with being an alt...so long as you don't mess with people's emotions or use your altness to manipulate people or events.
To be or not to be...honest
So...once upon a time in real life, I had a job with a woman who was on a florist course at college. She had brought her latest creation to work and placed it prominently on the reception desk. She came in to the office and told me all about it and then asked me to go have a look. I said I would go when I had time. After a couple of hours of her asking me every few minutes if I had been to look at it, I finally gave in and went to view the spectacle. It was indeed a very well thought out and executed piece.
I went back to the office and told her my thoughts on her efforts. She beamed and then told me that it was important to her to get my opinion...for two reasons. Firstly because I had lectured in a number of creative avenues at college and secondly because "I know you would tell me the truth even if it hurt".
Some people call that 'being a bitch', I call it 'being honest'. Sometimes I can sugar coat the pill to make it more palatable, but I strongly believe in learning and development for everyone no matter their age, background, etc. so I give my opinions honestly and expect others to do the same. There is no malice intended; all my criticism is meant to be constructive not destructive.
And the reason for this post and this little tale of truth? It is here to act as a warning - if you don't want the answer, don't ask the question! This is your only warning!
I went back to the office and told her my thoughts on her efforts. She beamed and then told me that it was important to her to get my opinion...for two reasons. Firstly because I had lectured in a number of creative avenues at college and secondly because "I know you would tell me the truth even if it hurt".
Some people call that 'being a bitch', I call it 'being honest'. Sometimes I can sugar coat the pill to make it more palatable, but I strongly believe in learning and development for everyone no matter their age, background, etc. so I give my opinions honestly and expect others to do the same. There is no malice intended; all my criticism is meant to be constructive not destructive.
And the reason for this post and this little tale of truth? It is here to act as a warning - if you don't want the answer, don't ask the question! This is your only warning!
Bracken Blurt #1
So...who is Nidge Bracken?
- Partner of Revan Contepomi
- Former owner of two small clubs with Revan - Skullz4Life and Boogie Knights
- Former host, dancer and event planner
- Husband, father, brother, uncle, cousin, grandfather, great grandfather
- Male, female, merman, demon, vampire, fae, wiccan, meerkat, robot
- Creator - buildings, clothes, jewellery
- Renter/owner
- Role player
- Party goer
- Compulsive shopper
- Friend and confidante
Pteridium aquilinum
So..new blog...new start..new posting. I guess I should begin with an explanation for the uninitiated. The name of my blog is Pteridium aquilinum, which for those of you who don't know is the Latin name for a fern...the Bracken fern. Hope that clears up the need for any explanations.
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