After a particularly bad day in real life, I went in to SL and had received a notice in one of the groups I am a member of, Survivors of Suicide. I explored some of the exhibits - it's funny, the exhibit on mental health struck a chord with me as I was feeling particularly screwed up.
Art Maze 2011
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Sunday, 2 January 2011
New Year Blues
So...New Year is a strange time for a lot of people. From the enforced joy of the Christmas season to the enforced celebration of the old year and the enthusiasm for the year ahead. Not everyone feels the festive spirit. I want to be happy but it doesn't always coincide with the festivals that are generally celebrated. Sometimes the depression takes hold and I do not feel like being around people or being jolly; I want to sit by myself and mope. I learned a long time ago that if I am in the grip of depression, I may as well embrace it rather than fighting it - it actually seems to go past quicker if I approach it with the "okay, let's get it over with attitude" as opposed to "I won't allow it".
Looking back over the old year can be hard - we all go through difficult times. Those we love are not always there to celebrate with us because of other commitments or because they have been taken away by accidents, ailments or disease. We don't always have someone who we can call special in our lives, our working life may not be what we would have wished for, our family lives may be lacking.
Before Christmas I had started work on some pictures in Second Life. They had been sparked by my involvement with the Survivors of Suicide Project in-world. I found the whole process of creating them to be cathartic, until I acted one of them out in real life. It was mostly accidental - I was tired of feeling exhausted all the time and decided to stop taking my pills. Going cold turkey proved too much and after about three days I was so desperate that I started taking them again. Of course, they are not instant so when I did not get any relief, I took some more. And some more. And some more. Thankfully the new wave of anti-depressants makes you ill in the short term rather than causing permanent damage and the chances of overdose are slim unless you are really determined. Not everyone is so fortunate - the guy across the street from me was found hanged shortly before Christmas. Horrible for his family, horrible for him - dying alone under such circumstances.
So...my pictures. These are not meant to glorify anything and I would suggest that if you are off a nervous disposition you may wish to not view them. Mental ill-health is a taboo topic, but for as long as it is, people will slip quietly away without the help they so need.
Looking back over the old year can be hard - we all go through difficult times. Those we love are not always there to celebrate with us because of other commitments or because they have been taken away by accidents, ailments or disease. We don't always have someone who we can call special in our lives, our working life may not be what we would have wished for, our family lives may be lacking.
Before Christmas I had started work on some pictures in Second Life. They had been sparked by my involvement with the Survivors of Suicide Project in-world. I found the whole process of creating them to be cathartic, until I acted one of them out in real life. It was mostly accidental - I was tired of feeling exhausted all the time and decided to stop taking my pills. Going cold turkey proved too much and after about three days I was so desperate that I started taking them again. Of course, they are not instant so when I did not get any relief, I took some more. And some more. And some more. Thankfully the new wave of anti-depressants makes you ill in the short term rather than causing permanent damage and the chances of overdose are slim unless you are really determined. Not everyone is so fortunate - the guy across the street from me was found hanged shortly before Christmas. Horrible for his family, horrible for him - dying alone under such circumstances.
So...my pictures. These are not meant to glorify anything and I would suggest that if you are off a nervous disposition you may wish to not view them. Mental ill-health is a taboo topic, but for as long as it is, people will slip quietly away without the help they so need.
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
Stored Away
So...in real life I trained as an interior designer (amongst many other things) and it was one of the subjects that I taught at college. As far as teaching went, it was domestic interiors, but in my own training I covered things such as commercial interiors and architecture. This combined with my love of shopping(!) means that when I am browsing around stores in-world, I don't just look at what is for sale. In fact, unless I want something specific, I am more likely to check out the build and store layout first. Yes, I know, I am weird.
I guess I work on first impressions. If I land in an interesting store, it makes me want to spend time looking around. If I land in some place hideous, I want to leave as quickly as I can. I am sure I can't be the only person like this, so the thing I sometimes wonder is do store owners consider the visual impact and aesthetics of their actual store when setting it up or do they just dump their creations in to it?
I have had stores in the past and even if it was just a stall giving away freebies to newbies, I tried to make it look appealing. Of course, if you are renting a store or space in a mall, you can't always have full creative control over the environment, but you can overlay walls and floors with your own textured prims if you have enough of a prim allowance. The thing that really gets me is when a creator goes to the effort of building their own store. It shows off more of their creativity and allows them to have control over display of their own content. Sadly this can backfire. If a content creator has built their own store, I am dubious of buying any of their work if:
-the colours clash
-the textures are flickering due to prim overlap
-there are untextured edges - so you get a flash of plywood as your camera moves around
-there are gaps in the walls
It does not fill me with hope that their actual items for sale will be put together any better.
As a fan of various hunts, I have been in many stores and some of them are, in my opinion, vile. A checkerboard floor can look great - but it depends on getting the scale of the checks right for the size of the store. Also the impact of fuchsia pink or cyan and black tiles can be visually unappealing. A store in a single colour can look elegant...if the colour is right. A totally black store or a dark red one just shows a lack of imagination or design flair. There is one store that is often part of hunts and I actively avoid it - every single element within the build has had the Shininess set to High. The whole store has a reflective glow that gives me a very real migraine in less than five minutes. Okay you want to theme your store as having a metallic feel....but every part?
Much the same as in real life, a store can soon become tired and dated. Something that looks great when set up looks old six months later. You don't have to change everything about a store to refresh it, use any accents you have wisely and you can keep the store looking as good as new.
Of course there are other elements to a store that can have an impact - and many of them are negative. Not everyone has a top of the range gaming PC with a graphics card so advanced that it can almost render the 2D world as a 3D one. No matter what anyone says to me about LOD, some sculpts take ages to rez for me. I really hate The Wonder Chair...a Lucky Chair variation that is sculpted and looks like a twisted Z to me far too long than I care to be around it. I have also seen entire store fronts that are sculpted. If it takes me five minutes to find the door, the chances are that I won't be going in because I am already two teleports away.
I like an interesting store layout, but I don't want to spend hours in a maze falling down levels because the floor is incomplete or the invisible prims that are part of the sculpted stairs do not go all the way to the edge of the sculpt. Nor do I want to look at a store that is the size of a warehouse but has no more a dozen items arranged feebly around the walls of the store and nothing else in it. Either get a smaller store or put out more content. It is easy to dress a store to make it look more interesting.
There are also those automated ways that shoppers are greeted - being hit by particles in the form of flowers, etc, little fairies that come to greet you and then make noises as they follow you around the store, 1001 'cute' animals tripping you as you try to shop and 20,000 sculpted animated noobs raoming around for no reason...it's like being in some second rate zombie movie.
And my final annoyance (at least for this posting) as far as store owners goes relates to the gender of shoppers. There are those stores that cater to men and women...but have freebies, Midnight Mania, Letter of the Week, Mini Mania for only one gender. And here is a hint for store owners - two outfits does not constitute a menswear department!
Last point (i.e. rant almost over), something that store owners have no control over...the shoppers! If your group tag or title says things like 'Spirit Fucker', you maybe should not be on a PG sim and if you cannot communicate with your friends without the constant need of gestures, it is time you logged off and read a book...preferably a dictionary.
I guess I work on first impressions. If I land in an interesting store, it makes me want to spend time looking around. If I land in some place hideous, I want to leave as quickly as I can. I am sure I can't be the only person like this, so the thing I sometimes wonder is do store owners consider the visual impact and aesthetics of their actual store when setting it up or do they just dump their creations in to it?
I have had stores in the past and even if it was just a stall giving away freebies to newbies, I tried to make it look appealing. Of course, if you are renting a store or space in a mall, you can't always have full creative control over the environment, but you can overlay walls and floors with your own textured prims if you have enough of a prim allowance. The thing that really gets me is when a creator goes to the effort of building their own store. It shows off more of their creativity and allows them to have control over display of their own content. Sadly this can backfire. If a content creator has built their own store, I am dubious of buying any of their work if:
-the colours clash
-the textures are flickering due to prim overlap
-there are untextured edges - so you get a flash of plywood as your camera moves around
-there are gaps in the walls
It does not fill me with hope that their actual items for sale will be put together any better.
As a fan of various hunts, I have been in many stores and some of them are, in my opinion, vile. A checkerboard floor can look great - but it depends on getting the scale of the checks right for the size of the store. Also the impact of fuchsia pink or cyan and black tiles can be visually unappealing. A store in a single colour can look elegant...if the colour is right. A totally black store or a dark red one just shows a lack of imagination or design flair. There is one store that is often part of hunts and I actively avoid it - every single element within the build has had the Shininess set to High. The whole store has a reflective glow that gives me a very real migraine in less than five minutes. Okay you want to theme your store as having a metallic feel....but every part?
Much the same as in real life, a store can soon become tired and dated. Something that looks great when set up looks old six months later. You don't have to change everything about a store to refresh it, use any accents you have wisely and you can keep the store looking as good as new.
Of course there are other elements to a store that can have an impact - and many of them are negative. Not everyone has a top of the range gaming PC with a graphics card so advanced that it can almost render the 2D world as a 3D one. No matter what anyone says to me about LOD, some sculpts take ages to rez for me. I really hate The Wonder Chair...a Lucky Chair variation that is sculpted and looks like a twisted Z to me far too long than I care to be around it. I have also seen entire store fronts that are sculpted. If it takes me five minutes to find the door, the chances are that I won't be going in because I am already two teleports away.
I like an interesting store layout, but I don't want to spend hours in a maze falling down levels because the floor is incomplete or the invisible prims that are part of the sculpted stairs do not go all the way to the edge of the sculpt. Nor do I want to look at a store that is the size of a warehouse but has no more a dozen items arranged feebly around the walls of the store and nothing else in it. Either get a smaller store or put out more content. It is easy to dress a store to make it look more interesting.
There are also those automated ways that shoppers are greeted - being hit by particles in the form of flowers, etc, little fairies that come to greet you and then make noises as they follow you around the store, 1001 'cute' animals tripping you as you try to shop and 20,000 sculpted animated noobs raoming around for no reason...it's like being in some second rate zombie movie.
And my final annoyance (at least for this posting) as far as store owners goes relates to the gender of shoppers. There are those stores that cater to men and women...but have freebies, Midnight Mania, Letter of the Week, Mini Mania for only one gender. And here is a hint for store owners - two outfits does not constitute a menswear department!
Last point (i.e. rant almost over), something that store owners have no control over...the shoppers! If your group tag or title says things like 'Spirit Fucker', you maybe should not be on a PG sim and if you cannot communicate with your friends without the constant need of gestures, it is time you logged off and read a book...preferably a dictionary.
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
Rant!
So...I make no secret of the fact I have alts. I make no secret that I love to role play in SL Gor. Today I am making no secret of something else - people in SL Gor are pissing me off with their sheer fuckwittedness.
There are general comments people make in SL; "no drama"..."keep SL and RL separate"..."remember there are real people behind every avatar"...
Well what a load of old hooey. A load of old hooey that gets magnified a thousand times when people start role playing.
No drama
Some people absolutely live for the drama. They manipulate storylines, they manipulate others. They delight in causing as much mayhem and harm as they possibly can.
Keep SL and RL separate
A lovely idea but only truly practical if you are a sociopath. You can keep them separate by not revealing your real name, where you live, what work you do, what gender you really are... BUT if you are a functioning human being you have emotions and feelings. You can't keep these separate (see disclaimer for sociopaths). You have a good day, it reflects in your character. You have a bad day, that shows too. No matter how good an actor you are, part of the real you will always leak in to whatever role you are playing.
Remember there are real people behind every avatar
Yes there are and so many people seem to forget this despite shouting it out when someone upsets them. Actions and words have consequences. Doesn't matter whether you are dancing in a club or playing a role. If you keep your actions and words "in character", you can minimise actual hurt to other people but you can't always avoid it. Saying or doing something to someone who has had a day from hell can still upset them even if it is part of the role play. You both need to be grown up enough to talk it through calmly and move past it. It steps across boundaries when someone is deliberately malicious for the sake of causing upset.
I have a friend who has been through a lot lately - like who hasn't, right? But he is actually suffering from bereavement due to the death of a parent. The way he has been treated supposedly in-character within the world of SL Gor makes my blood boil - and the out of character comments have compounded it. I am tempted to name and shame those involved as they have done nothing but bitch, whine and create out of character drama in everything they have done...and then they treat a human being with an appalling disregard when they were fully aware of his personal circumstances.
Moment of total honesty - please don't read this if you are of a nervous disposition. When I role play in SL Gor as either a Free or a slave I have a rule - no rape scenarios. I have a good reason for this - I know from personal experience that there is no fun to be had in any kind of sexual assault. I voiced this opinion to someone recently...someone who is involved with the crowd who have caused so much upset to my friend. The response I was given was that I should not be role playing in Gor then...since I am "handicapped". That was his actual word - "handicapped". If I could have gotten my hands on him in real life, I would have ripped his throat out.
One last point...for those of you who have in your profile "I share conversations and by speaking to me you agree to this. This note is in accordance with the TOS", you are talking out of your arse. The Community Standards you agree to as part of the Terms of Service stand as a legally binding contract between you and Linden Labs. You cannot wave a magic wand and make that part of the agreement disappear...get a fucking clue.
And now on a brighter note, a little music...hope you all enjoy but I would like to dedicate it to several Gorean Masters I have had the displeasure of meeting in SL...
Gorean Masters in SL
There are general comments people make in SL; "no drama"..."keep SL and RL separate"..."remember there are real people behind every avatar"...
Well what a load of old hooey. A load of old hooey that gets magnified a thousand times when people start role playing.
No drama
Some people absolutely live for the drama. They manipulate storylines, they manipulate others. They delight in causing as much mayhem and harm as they possibly can.
Keep SL and RL separate
A lovely idea but only truly practical if you are a sociopath. You can keep them separate by not revealing your real name, where you live, what work you do, what gender you really are... BUT if you are a functioning human being you have emotions and feelings. You can't keep these separate (see disclaimer for sociopaths). You have a good day, it reflects in your character. You have a bad day, that shows too. No matter how good an actor you are, part of the real you will always leak in to whatever role you are playing.
Remember there are real people behind every avatar
Yes there are and so many people seem to forget this despite shouting it out when someone upsets them. Actions and words have consequences. Doesn't matter whether you are dancing in a club or playing a role. If you keep your actions and words "in character", you can minimise actual hurt to other people but you can't always avoid it. Saying or doing something to someone who has had a day from hell can still upset them even if it is part of the role play. You both need to be grown up enough to talk it through calmly and move past it. It steps across boundaries when someone is deliberately malicious for the sake of causing upset.
I have a friend who has been through a lot lately - like who hasn't, right? But he is actually suffering from bereavement due to the death of a parent. The way he has been treated supposedly in-character within the world of SL Gor makes my blood boil - and the out of character comments have compounded it. I am tempted to name and shame those involved as they have done nothing but bitch, whine and create out of character drama in everything they have done...and then they treat a human being with an appalling disregard when they were fully aware of his personal circumstances.
Moment of total honesty - please don't read this if you are of a nervous disposition. When I role play in SL Gor as either a Free or a slave I have a rule - no rape scenarios. I have a good reason for this - I know from personal experience that there is no fun to be had in any kind of sexual assault. I voiced this opinion to someone recently...someone who is involved with the crowd who have caused so much upset to my friend. The response I was given was that I should not be role playing in Gor then...since I am "handicapped". That was his actual word - "handicapped". If I could have gotten my hands on him in real life, I would have ripped his throat out.
One last point...for those of you who have in your profile "I share conversations and by speaking to me you agree to this. This note is in accordance with the TOS", you are talking out of your arse. The Community Standards you agree to as part of the Terms of Service stand as a legally binding contract between you and Linden Labs. You cannot wave a magic wand and make that part of the agreement disappear...get a fucking clue.
And now on a brighter note, a little music...hope you all enjoy but I would like to dedicate it to several Gorean Masters I have had the displeasure of meeting in SL...
Gorean Masters in SL
Monday, 6 September 2010
Breaking the silence
So...I have been extremely quiet for some time now. Still reading the blogs I follow but not commenting or writing my own.
My Second Life took an unexpected turn a few weeks ago. I was just milling about aimlessly as I have a tendency to do no matter which avatar I am in and one of those messages popped up about one of my contacts being online. It was a message I had not seen in some time...my SL husband Revan. No advance warning...he was just there. It turned out to be one of those moments when you are not really sure that it is happening. I mean, he has been missing for so long, was it really him? In fact the first thing I said to him was "Is that you?" He has been in and out of SL a lot. Due to his real life situation, he is not in-world as much as he used to be, but it is great that he is there again. It would of course be nice if he tidied up after himself, but such is the nature of men...
My real life has been rather strained and strange. I have gone through a lot emotionally for over a year now and taken so many pills that some days I don't even feel like me any more. Some days I only wake up so I can have a nap... I started counselling a few weeks ago. I have done it when there have been difficult times in my life in the past, but this is so different to any of the other experiences. I have actually found a therapist who doesn't just make me talk about things; she makes me question why I act and think the way I do. There is no coercion, it just flows naturally from the conversation. I have been on a rollercoaster journey of unpicking my past and am now at the stage where there is a vital question to be answered - who am I? I have come to realise that I spent so many years trying to be the person that people wanted me to be, that I no longer know who the real me is. Maybe in time I will find out. Fingers crossed.
My Second Life took an unexpected turn a few weeks ago. I was just milling about aimlessly as I have a tendency to do no matter which avatar I am in and one of those messages popped up about one of my contacts being online. It was a message I had not seen in some time...my SL husband Revan. No advance warning...he was just there. It turned out to be one of those moments when you are not really sure that it is happening. I mean, he has been missing for so long, was it really him? In fact the first thing I said to him was "Is that you?" He has been in and out of SL a lot. Due to his real life situation, he is not in-world as much as he used to be, but it is great that he is there again. It would of course be nice if he tidied up after himself, but such is the nature of men...
My real life has been rather strained and strange. I have gone through a lot emotionally for over a year now and taken so many pills that some days I don't even feel like me any more. Some days I only wake up so I can have a nap... I started counselling a few weeks ago. I have done it when there have been difficult times in my life in the past, but this is so different to any of the other experiences. I have actually found a therapist who doesn't just make me talk about things; she makes me question why I act and think the way I do. There is no coercion, it just flows naturally from the conversation. I have been on a rollercoaster journey of unpicking my past and am now at the stage where there is a vital question to be answered - who am I? I have come to realise that I spent so many years trying to be the person that people wanted me to be, that I no longer know who the real me is. Maybe in time I will find out. Fingers crossed.
Monday, 26 July 2010
Not Myself...
So...I imagine a lot of people will dream about SL or even dream in SL from time to time. I have had some strange SL-inspired dreams over the past few years.
Shortly after renting my first skybox, I had a dream where I was in my new home laying on the bed and a thought occurred to me, "What is keeping this up in the air?" Of course, the skybox then began a rapid descent to the ground below!
I also had a dream, which played on one of the fears behind SL - the person behind the avatar dying. This is something that really bothers me (and I am sure a lot of other people), that someone who is part of your virtual life just disappears and you don't ever know what happened to them. In the case of my dream, I did find out what had happened - I got a message to say that my SL husband, Revan, had died. I made the journey to the US and went to his funeral; only to find when I got there that it was the avatar in the coffin and the person behind Revan was sitting in the front row of the church...
During my afternoon nap (a sign of age) on Saturday, I dreamed that I was in-world and talking to one of my alts. Just to give something of a twist to the scenario of alts, the alt made the shock announcement that they were actually someone else! Perhaps I should mention this to my therapist in case I am going nuts. On wait...I have a therapist; me being nuts is already a well established fact!
Shortly after renting my first skybox, I had a dream where I was in my new home laying on the bed and a thought occurred to me, "What is keeping this up in the air?" Of course, the skybox then began a rapid descent to the ground below!
I also had a dream, which played on one of the fears behind SL - the person behind the avatar dying. This is something that really bothers me (and I am sure a lot of other people), that someone who is part of your virtual life just disappears and you don't ever know what happened to them. In the case of my dream, I did find out what had happened - I got a message to say that my SL husband, Revan, had died. I made the journey to the US and went to his funeral; only to find when I got there that it was the avatar in the coffin and the person behind Revan was sitting in the front row of the church...
During my afternoon nap (a sign of age) on Saturday, I dreamed that I was in-world and talking to one of my alts. Just to give something of a twist to the scenario of alts, the alt made the shock announcement that they were actually someone else! Perhaps I should mention this to my therapist in case I am going nuts. On wait...I have a therapist; me being nuts is already a well established fact!
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Summer Of Love Fair
So...I finally made it to the Summer of Love Fair. I have been trying to get in to it since it opened. The event features previously unreleased works by a host of SL designers and is designed to raise awareness of mental health issues. Obviously I have an interest in such issues - but I was also desperate to get the SF Designs Tuscan suit.
I managed to get in to the fair when only 33 people were there - which is less than half the amount the last time I tried - obviously it is quite laggy. Naturally there were a few annoyances. Given the high number of people, it might be best to edit your appearance somewhere else. There were several avatars wandering around with scripted attachments such as titlers, poofers(!) and nuclear glow face lights that must be able to be seen from five sims away. Yes, a soft face light can enhance your appearance, but something so bright that illuminates every pixel in your skin is not good; it is like watching Desperate Housewives in High Definition. There were a couple of displays that did not rez for me - one of them appeared to have bling/particle effects.
The biggest grievance I had was the absence of music. I hate silence, it makes me edgy. It is rare for me to stay anywhere with no media stream; if you don't want music, you can turn it off but it is harder to play something that is not there. My PC is old and loading Winamp at the same time as SL can be fatal.
There are a plethora of free gifts at the fair and they all come with a note card. The note cards concern a range of mental health issues including eating disorders, sexual abuse, self harm, bullying, bereavement, suicide, ADHD, OCD, gender issues, panic attacks and a whole load more. The majority of gifts are aimed towards the female end of the market - bikinis, dresses, heels and jewellery. There are, however, a few pieces that are unisex or specifically for men. I bought a few items from a couple of the exhibitors, of course. Well, I had nothing to wear...
One of the exhibitors had a poster for Hopeline, with a percentage of proceeds from sales going to them.
There was a female avatar wandering around who caught my attention. I am not sure if the person was a male to female transexual trying for realism but to my mind enormous hands and feet make you look like you are wearing a demo shape.
I was surprised that there was nothing on addiction, but that may be just as well as the Alexohol gift is boxed in a giant cocktail glass. Thankfully the unisex baseball shirt and the two bikinis are the usual high standard of Alexohol. Admittedly I won't be wearing the bikinis - at least not without at least waxing... Speaking of swimwear, I bought the 'outfit' below from ISPACHI.
Finally, a big thank you to Keira Seerose and the team at CHIC for organising an event that showcases the work of SL designers (clothing, poses, jewelery, furntiure) while helping to raise awareness of mental health issues.
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